Last week I wrote about the two fears which, when ignited, bring about conflict between siblings.

 What are the core fears?

1. A core fear of helplessness or feeling controlled.
2. A core fear of disconnection— feeling unheard, under valued, rejected. 

I gave you an assignment too. Did you see those two fears popping up between your kids? Have you identified your child that fears losing control of his life and environment? How about the one who fears losing connection, separation, being alone?

Armed with this new understanding of your children, you can move on to the next phase of training your kids to recognize what’s really going on. Then, and only then, can you begin to train your children to not only avoid escalating conflict, but also how to resolve arguments before an outbreak of World War III!

Which leads us to…

Peacemaking Skill #4: Asking the Real Question

Every time my kids got into an argument, I asked this question: What happened? 

Most of you do the same. But that’s not the real question— not even close. Because what happened is not why your kids are fighting. 

As soon as your kids start telling you what happened, the fight escalates and you’re stuck smack dab in the middle of these children who are, ultimately, fighting for your time and attention and affection. 

Right? That’s what researchers concluded was at the root of sibling rivalry.

Eventually, yes, you will need to discuss the events that led to the argument. But that’s not the first question.

So… let’s set this up with a scenario:

Your 5 year-old son is playing contentedly in the family room. He’s finally finished getting the racetrack he got for Christmas set up and he’s racing the red car against the blue car. Maybe he’s even playing commentator as he immerses himself into his story world. You’re thrilled that he isn’t begging to play games on your iPad for once— he’s not whining that he’s bored and you may actually have a quiet moment to yourself.

But then little brother wakes up from his nap. Like a bee drawn to honey, 3 year-old Buddy flies into the room and snatches the blue car in his sticky fingers. 

Mine!

Your quiet moment shatters. All you know is that once again, your boys are screaming, hitting, biting; red faced and angry. 

Obviously, your 5 year-old overreacted. He’s the most mature one and yet he reverts to infantile behavior, knocking his little brother down as he grabs his car back, maybe adding a few punches to teach him a lesson. 

You can’t let that go. Add the Ten Year Rule and you’ve got a mess on your hands. A 15 year old punching the daylights out of his 13 year old brother!

But little brother started it, right? He should know by now (after endless loops of this same scenario) and you’ve got to teach him not to grab his brother’s toys. He needs to ask first. Add the Ten Year Rule to his sneaky, defiant, willing-to-fight mentality and you’ve got a naughty 13 year-old getting into lots of trouble at school.

That’s when you ask the Best Question. Not just for the answer, but for your child to gain insight and understanding into his own heart. You gather your 5-year old son in your arms, look at him with love and compassion, and ask:

What’s going on?

Not what happened? Not how could you? Not even why did you?

You want to know how and why his little brother’s car theft led to rage. What triggered his anger? What’s going on inside his heart? How did his soul feel in the moment his imagination was so rudely and violently interrupted? 

The likely answer he’d going to give you has to do with his biggest fear: 

Was it the sudden loss of control? In his head he’s built an entire world of racecar drivers and shiny medals for the winner, until King Kong comes in and grabs his car!

Or had he felt violently stripped of the connection he was hoping for? Thinking his little brother would play with him when he got up from his nap? After all, it’s kind of lonely racing cars alone!

If you can help your children to recognize that what they’re fighting about isn’t what the fight is really about… 

If you can help your son recognize what pushes his buttons… 

If you can help your daughter know what prompts her to explode…

You can give your kids an immeasurable boost in every relationship for the rest of their lives. 

How do I know this? Because it took me the first 3 decades of marriage to ask myself the Best Question: 

Di, what’s going on with you? 

Or, a question that’s better than the best—

Father, what’s going on with me? 

When all of a sudden I’m sure our marriage is doomed… when I’m so mad I can’t see Phil’s heart… when I’m lonely and I can’t figure out why… that’s when this question becomes a precision tool to fix me. 

What’s going on?

Once your child knows his biggest fear, and is able to ask himself what’s going on, he will be well on his way to taking ownership of his responses. 

Can you imagine? No more yelling. No more explosions. No more bitter resentment. 

Instead, humble honesty. Genuine apologies. Friendship.

Now, for those of you reading this series of posts hoping for a quick fix, an instant relief from constant conflict, a guaranteed new-kid-by-Friday… I’m sorry to let you down. 

You and I cannot force our kids into friendship. We can’t punish them into peaceability. And all our ranting only reinforces the concept that bullies feed on: that anger is an effective means of controlling other people’s behavior. 

Effective training takes time. As well as patience, persistence, and kindness. Eventually your kids will grow into that secret vision you hold in your heart for them: humble, godly, loving people.

There is no such thing as irreconcilable differences between siblings. Brothers and sisters don’t have to hurt each other. They can become friends. 

But the process will cost you, it will be messy, often discouraging— but always worth it.

From a heart hoping for peace,

Diane

 *We explain The Ten Year Rule in our conference, here’s the short version: add ten years to your child’s attitude or behavior to see if what he’s doing now needs discipline so it doesn’t get out-of-hand when he’s older. Because in reality, children don’t grow out of anything but their clothes! It just comes up in other forms later.

P.S. If you’d like me to pray for you by name as you gird yourself for this holy task of training your children to love each other intentionally, just leave your name in the comments. It would be my privilege to pray for you—and I am confident that this is the kind of prayer the Father delights to answer!