Sibling Rivalry 102

Last week I wrote about the Big Picture of the problem of conflict and fighting between siblings. 

What’s the problem? Jealousy, envy, competition for a parent’s love.

Experts agree on the problem, but differ vastly on the solution. I have been dismayed, over the last few months, to read books that suggest solutions that clearly violate the law of love we are called to by our God. Everything from just letting your children go at it without your interference, to suggesting that we teach our children to punch their dolls rather than each other!

As followers of Jesus, we look first of all to the Word of God to find the heart of God.

By knowing His heart we are able to discover solutions that are full of sound wisdom. 

Then we can utilize studies and statistics, as well as psychology and personality profiles primarily as a way of opening our eyes to better understand human nature and more effectively apply Scripture. 

Last week, I wrote about the Big Picture solution as well.

What’s the solution? Experiencing God’s love so completely that all envy is swallowed in the love God has for each of us. 

As we lavish God’s love on our children, we lower the temperature of the conflict in the home. What better way to solve the problem than to show our kids how loved they really are?

But… we will never eliminate conflict altogether. 

Oh, we could try— we could forbid it. Stomp on the first sign of unrest and dish out punishment at the slightest sign of an argument. But that would just drive the resentment underground. And kids are expert at black market underhandedness! They would just find quieter ways to aggravate and annoy each other. 

Or… we can choose to train our children in the skills of the Peacemaker. 

Over the next few weeks we are going to talk about how to use conflict to teach and train your children (and their parents!) in basic, Jesus-honoring ways of resolving the inevitable conflicts that will arise in your home. 

Are you with me? Okay, let’s get started on… 

Peacemaking Skill #1: Apply Humility

In the heat of an argument, most of us are all emotion:  sad, mad, indignant, offended, hurt. 

And out of those riled emotions we react: with tears, meanness, physical displays, withdrawal, yelling, blaming. 

But there is a nugget of pure gold found in I Peter 3v8-12 that Phil and I have found to be near miraculous in solving those “emotional disagreements” that come up in any relationship. 

Let’s look at the first 2 verses:

vs. 8 “To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;” 

vs. 9 “not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead: for you were called for this very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.”

Wow! Can you imagine if everyone in your home would handle conflict this way— even some of the time? Is it even possible? 

Yes! But it’s not easy. And it’s not natural to our post-fall human nature. 

Let me tell you a story to show how this can work between siblings:

Two of my grandsons were spending the weekend with us not long ago. Both of these boys are intelligent, creative, well-loved people. 

But they’re human. And try as their parents do to urge them to be best friends, the path towards best-friend-ness is pitted with problems. 

Those problems and their humanness collided in one of those moments of red-faced emotion and visceral reaction. 

In other words, they got steaming mad at each other and started flinging words like arrows, leaving each other wounded and bleeding.

As I got them to settle down into some semblance of sanity, I was shooting “Lord, help me!” prayers to God. I remembered one of my favorite prayers found in James 1:5:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him” 

And suddenly I had an idea, which, I have no doubt, came as a direct answer to that prayer.

I addressed the calmest one first. I could see that the other brother’s emotions were so riled that it was going to take him a moment to calm down enough to speak coherently.

“Please, tell me what happened from your perspective. Speak slowly, I want to be sure to hear everything you say so I can understand what’s going on.”

My grandkids know, of course, that I am extremely hard of hearing. They have to speak slowly and clearly to me— and it’s a surprising advantage when resolving conflict. 

Slowing down their words forces them to turn aside from some of the intensity of emotion and speak logically, choosing their words with care.

“He called me… and he did… and all I did was…”

The other brother couldn’t keep quiet, he erupted in indignation at his brother’s biased interpretation of the facts. But I told him, 

“I know this is hard to hear, but I’m asking you to just listen for five minutes while your brother tells me his side of the story. Then you’ll get to tell me exactly how you see it, okay?”

With a few sniffles, he agreed.

Yet somehow hearing this led the first brother to be a little more honest. 

“He said I’m a jerk. And that I’ve always been a jerk. And I’ll always be a jerk.”

Okay, that’s serious stuff. 

But it’s an opportunity too. For several minutes I reminded them both of the truth: that they are made in the image of God. That because of Jesus’ death and resurrection and his adoption of us as his children, none of us are destined to stay how we are. 

As we draw nearer and nearer to God, He actually transforms us into non-jerks! 

We all laughed a little at that. 

But it’s a truth so beautiful as to take my breath away. I want them to know this right down deep into the marrow of their bones. This is the Gospel that all of us former-jerks cling to as the truest thing about us. 

Once brother #1 was finished telling his side of the story, I asked him to tell me one thing:

“If you could go back and start over, what would you do differently?”

He had to think about that. But this is a boy being trained in the way of Jesus by his parents, so he knew. And he looked his brother in the eye and told him how he wished he’d responded. 

I sensed that they were softening so I asked him to put it into dialogue form. “I wish I had said…”

Then I thanked the first brother for his honesty and his humility. No shame, he had ‘fessed up to his part in the problem and was exhibiting real regret.

I said to him, “I know adults who cannot humble themselves as you have just now. I am so proud of you. I know it’s hard, but this is a sign of greatness emerging in you.”

I know, I know, I may have laid it on a little thick. But this language of encouragement is so powerful that I can’t help it sometimes. And I think being a grandparent, God gives me glimpses into the future I couldn’t see when I was in the thick of it with my own kids.

So now it was the other brother’s turn. 

By now, his brother’s humility had worked a little magic in his heart. And so had that 2-minute synopsis of the Gospel. 

For this boy who is all passion and big emotion, a bit of time to calm down and gather his self-control skills (also taught diligently by his parents) had already put him in a better position to present his side of the story calmly and clearly. 

He said his piece and his brother responded really well— with more humility and regret. 

I was more than a little amazed! Thinking, “Why didn’t I do this with my kids?!”

Then brother #2 said what he wished he’d done differently. 

“I wish I hadn’t called you a jerk. You’re not really a jerk. It’s just that sometimes you act like a jerk.”

Gosh! Has this kid been to seminary or what? 

Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he told his disciples they’d need to become like children in order to enter the Kingdom (Matthew 18:3,4).

And just like that, these two brothers were reconciled. We prayed (I prayed), I told them both how much I admired their peacemaking skills, and it was over. 

The whole conflict resolution took about 15-20 minutes. Probably the most valuable chunk of time I gave to my Grands over the entire weekend. 

And I learned. The next time I needed to apologize to Phil for a snarky comment I made in a moment of hurt feelings, I tried it too. “I’m really sorry for saying that, I wish I had said…” 

I witnessed the same magic! A pending argument diffused by simple humility. 

There’s more richness in this short passage in I Peter 3v8-12. Dive into it this week and go searching for treasure.

Then next week I’m going to give you Peacemaking Skill #2 right out of this same chunk of Scripture. 

Please let me know if you have any questions. I want this series to be clear and practical— doable in the real world of toddlers and teenagers. Help me out by probing for clarity.

And if you have any wisdom to add, please do! 

We are all learning here. Learning to make peace wherever and whenever possible.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. If these posts are helping you, might you share them with your friends on social media? 

It is our real desire to help parents in their high and holy calling to raise up the next generation of passionate Jesus followers.